jutao: (lsh2)
If you are given a chance in your life to love whoever you want, who would you choose?
As a girl of 15, I wouldn't be able to decide.
Almost every moment, I would swear upon the high heavens that I have found my true love - and that decision is made from nothing.

It could be the sex appeal, the way he bites his index finger between his teeth before every stroke he draws onto his paper, the way he only wears black or the way he looks at me when I'm not looking.

I think... I think... I think...

Do they really happen? All these evil scenarios where I always get what I want. I have so many questions and so many answers but none of them seem to match up.

Am I just a hormone raging teenager who thinks she knows everything?

But that doesn't rule out the fact there is depth to my thinking and a certain complexity to it that makes my mind seem more mature and not in the sense of 'r' but in the sense of making rational decisions.

I wouldn't know, and even if I did ; I might be in denial because the results are always unpredictable. I am unpredictable, one moment I feel like my body would fall to pieces if I am not held by man, not a boy but a man and sometimes I feel that the risk taken in being in a relationship is too much.

And of course, these mental debates are accompanied by propaganda laced songs that pierce holes into my heart. Slow and sad, fast and heart-racing.... They cloud the judgement, like a poison that seeps deep into your skin flowing through your veins, they decide.

And the ultimate question is, When do I get to decide?

May 2014



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